Fear and Lifting

So, i got under the bar... ready to squat. This week is my heaviest week in this training month. Next week i will de-load... so this week was heavy. I woke up this morning... well go farther back... this weekend, when i was planning the lifts, i started to get nervous... a little sweaty... thinking about how heavy that weight would feel... that nervous / excited / scared / even angry feeling that the thought of putting some big weight on my back engenders...

see, it's been a while

ok... back a little farther still...
not quite 8 months ago, i had both of my hips replaced... arthritis... injury... not paying attention... blah blah blah... the "why" of it... the "HOW did this happen" of it is less important than the forward movement... i had pain, a LOT of it, all the time... i limped, all the time, i couldnt get into a car without some serious gymnastics.

and now, i dont have pain at all... It is awesome. my goal now is to get back to lifting heavy weights.

so there i was... thinking about this all weekend. and the voices in my head were all about the NOISE from fears... fear of injury, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of going backwards in my recovery... those voices were just relentless.

fast forward... back to the gym

and i got under the bar. heart racing. focus on proper form, footwork, bar position ... and lift it off ... small steps back ... DEEP breath ... drop slowly into the hole... good depth ... DRIVE UP ... and... it felt good, solid, strong ... so another rep... dig deep for the third ... cold sweat on the fourth... rack the bar.

the weight felt like weight... but i felt strong and solid.

i've said it before, and probably more often than i should, and i probably make if fit where it doesnt... whatever.

but, i think the bar is often a metaphor for life... those voices of fear or doubt that hit us in relationships, in our work, with our kids, in taking a chance... this is where we are tested! it is the test of our desire and our ability to do what we have committed to do despite the fears and the voices (real or in our heads). the fears are always there, talking... making the obstacles seem HUGE... heavier than we THINK we can move... and the bar is our test... it is MY test. to overcome MY fears.

even if i had fallen, had re-injured, had to "bail" at the bottom ... that matters LESS... moving the weight IS important, but getting under the bar and committing, full on is MORE important.

i feel that simply by getting under that bar, that i ... that when WE do that ... that WE are proving to ourselves that we can overcome what confronts us, that we can quiet those voices that tell us we cant, the voices that tell us we will fail, or caution us that we will be mocked... when we hear those voices, and we STILL get under the bar and willingly put all we have against that obstacle... THAT is the success... THAT is why we are here... to constantly confront our fears and to push against them either to success or to failure - and to do it again - over and over - that is the purpose... the goal... and THAT is the BAR.

dont let fear control you ... get under the bar... silence the voices ... then ... do it again ... it wont get easier, but the voices matter less.